There is nothing quite like a doctors waiting room. No where else in my life could I or would I sit so still and do so little and think so much and squirm so maniacally and doze off so easily and wish so much to be anywhere else. Lisa and I are checking out a lot of waiting rooms these days as she continues testing while awaiting surgery to remove a cancerous breast lump. Waiting is never easy. And these waiting rooms are just not easy to wait in. I have some advice.
1. Just get rid of the magazines all together. Nothing is more depressing for a sick person or the loved one of a sick person than to see images of healthy, beautiful, young people frolicking in a green meadow or mountain climbing or bicycling on Martha’s Vineyard or boating in the French Riviera. Right now we are in no position to frolick, climb, bicycle or boat. And at this moment in my life I hold in contempt anyone who does those things. I am onto you, Mr. Magazine – these people are photo – shopped fakes that look nothing like real life. I can show you real people and real life. Bring your cameras to this waiting room and leave the make-up and special lighting in your truck. These people who are battling for their lives should be the ones celebrated.
2. Why fish? Aquariums are nice, I suppose, but, quite honestly, boring. I can watch a fish tank for about eight seconds and I’m done. The fish may be bright and beautiful and some of God’s most fascinating creatures. I especially like them cooked in a garlic sautee. But to stare at live fish longer than a few seconds makes my brain cells die. If they would jump out of the water now and then – maybe. Most of the time they swim about three inches, stop, look for food and then hover in place for the next half hour. They should put puppies in the waiting room. Puppies that bark, and pee in the floor and nip at your ankles. They would at least keep me awake – if not entertained for the two hour wait to see the freakin doctor.
3. Get some “Lazy- Boy” recliners. If I am going to doze off at least let me do it in style and with some comfort. Trying to sleep in standard waiting room furniture can result in chiropractor visits and more waiting rooms with bad furniture and catatonic fish.
4. Don’t make me wait – period.
Lisa and I will be doing the waiting room circuit for the next few weeks and maybe, just maybe, we will get better at this waiting game. But, I would rather be boating in the Riviera with all the other beautiful people.