Here in California Lisa and I have discovered that one doesn’t have to look long for places of business specializing in hair, nails, eyelashes, or massages.  Those businesses are everywhere.  Lisa has tapped into the fake eyelash craze and is amazed at the amount of business at these places.  At twenty to thirty dollars a pop – I realize I missed my calling.  Forget college – heck I should have learned how to glue fake eyelashes on.  Maybe there is still time.

Lisa and I share many things in common and a healthy amount of differences to keep our marriage interesting.  She loves home improvement shows on television and I love sports.  She loves Lifetime movies – I love sports.  You get the idea.  But we share one common, frustrating trait that manages to rear its ugliness anytime we go to purchase shoes.  We both have really weird feet.

Lisa was blessed with nice looking feet but they are extremely small.  Let me put it this way – most of the time the only tennis shoes she can find that fit her size four and half feet – light up or have cartoon characters on them.  I am amazed she can stand up on those things.  It is especially frustrating for her seeing all the latest fashions here in southern California.  Unfortunately the women out here must have whopper size feet to fit into these things.  Now let me tell you about my dogs.

My feet are flat, wide, high arched, bunion jutted atrocities that even my kids refuse to look at.  When I say they are wide – let me explain.  They are WIDE – like 4E wide.  They are almost as wide as they are long.  Where Lisa’s feet seem almost out of balance to give her support – mine are so wide one would have to wonder if I could ever be knocked over with these things.  Most of the shoes I find to fit these freakish clown feet only come with velcro straps.  I am absolutely convinced that all shoe manufacturers sit back and laugh at the wide shoe styles they come up with.  I mean they not only are not stylish – most look like something that should be sold only in a medical supply store.  Could they at least put a stripe or add a little color or is there a weird shoe rule that wide sizes must come in only solid white or solid black without any other markings?  Come to think of it – maybe that is a good thing.  I don’t want to draw any more attention to these kayaks at the bottom of my stumpy legs than I have to.

Recently, Lisa talked me into going with her to one of the many nail places in Loma Linda for her to have her nails done and talked me into having a pedicure.  I actually felt sorry for the little Asian lady as she sat on the stool at the end of my recliner and watched as I removed my shoes and socks.  I did notice that once my file cabinet feet were revealed she turned the water up a little hotter and poured more of the disinfectant into it  She then motioned for me to place my feet in the water and they boiled for several minutes before she was (apparently) ready to place even her gloved hands on them.  But really – I don’t blame her.  If I didn’t have to put my shoes and socks on every day I wouldn’t touch em either.  After adequately disinfecting my Fred Flintstones, she proceeded to pick, clip, scrape, sand and massage before returning them back to more disinfectant and finally a clear coat of polish.  Wow! I could not believe it!  They were still the ugliest feet I had ever seen – even cleaned, clipped and polished.  I paid thirty bucks for that treatment and felt like I should have apologized to the nice lady and slipped her another twenty just for touching these things.

Soon I will be needing a new pair of tennis shoes and will once again go through the frustration of trying to find a cool looking pair of ten and half, quadruple “wides”.  I will go into the shoe store with high hopes thinking that Nike or Adidas or other name brand shoe companies finally gave in to that small population of people like me with two by six feet by giving them something with style.  I will see many really nice shoes on the shelves and not one of them will fit.  I will even try to squeeze into some of the needle wide “cool” shoes and limp around for a moment thinking they may work.  But then, realizing my bunion is about to pop some threads on the side and that my toes are turning blue – will return to the only pair of  “wides” in the store.  They will be a solid white pair with two velcro straps and given a really cool name like, “Air Comforts”.  They might as well call them, “Air Ugly Asses”.

So the search continues.  If you find some 4E’s for men or Barbie sized shoes for women – go ahead and buy them for us.  The check is in the mail.

Ouch and Out!

Steve and Lisa