Dante missed one. His “nine circles of Hell” failed to consider another level of the failed human condition. In recent weeks I have personally experienced number ten. But, before I venture any further into this topic, I need to express love for my wife. I love you, Lisa! Now, let us proceed.
The tenth circle of hell is (drum roll, please) – female hot flashes. Since Lisa’s recent cancer surgery, she has been forced to stop taking hormone replacement therapy. In her case, a hormone patch – that tiny, sticky circular piece of fabric that stands between her hormonal mood swings, thermal nuclear body temperatures and my being stabbed to death in my sleep. I have started sleeping with one eye open and a fire extinguisher by my side.
Allow me to pause here, again and declare my adoration for my bride of thirty-two years – and, honey, you look terrific today. Now, where was I?
Lisa’s hot flashes come upon her suddenly and, as of right now, without anyway to control. The thermostat in our house is set so low – we have to put our bread in the refrigerator to keep it from freezing. Our bedroom is in the fifties (and I’m not talking about the furniture style). While I bundle myself under every cover I can find – Lisa lays most of the night uncovered in a pool of sweat. If there really is truth to the idea of spontaneous human combustion, the belief that people can and have suddenly and unexplanably burst into flames, then I suggest that you not stand or sit too close to her (whom I cherish – you know that, Lisa – right?).
The real problem with these hot flashes is not only Lisa’s misery during each episode, but, during each attach – her sudden, unreasonable desire to kill me. I could be massaging her feet, feeding her chocolates and waving palm fronds to cool her body and if a hot flash hits – her head spins around and she turns into Gollum.
By the way, – Lisa, I think you’ve lost some weight and that top looks fantastic on you!
Aside from these blow torch meltdowns, Lisa’s recovery from surgery has been remarkable. One would hardly know she had surgery just a couple of weeks ago by the way she is moving and doing. As we wait for her radiation treatments to begin we do so with the hope that a cure for these deadly (not necessarily deadly to her but to me) hot flashes will subside. If anyone has a suggestion – please, please send it my way. I may offer a reward for any information that leads to fewer hot flash meltdowns. That information may also save a life – mine.
Before I close I must say:
Lisa! You look marvelous!
Stay Cool! Steve